October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and, as a breast cancer survivor, I become reflective, especially because I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in the month of October. It is a time for me to be grateful for my life and for all of the support I received, but I also find myself thinking about the hard and scary parts. Because all of our bodies handle treatments differently, each of us has our own individual hard and scary parts. For my Invasive Ductal Carcinoma that was ER/PR+/Her2-, my treatments included a partial mastectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation. For me, the surgery was the ‘easier’ of all of my treatments. The pain only lasted for a few days and I was able to go back to work after a week of recovery. Radiation treatment caused immense fatigue that took me months to recover from. But the scariest part for me was chemotherapy.
Products that Saved Me
Before I tell my story, I’ll talk about two products that REALLY helped me get through my infusion treatments. They were my noise cancellation headphones and my IPad. I needed a way to just disappear and not have to think or feel or be afraid. Plus, during the first treatment of Taxotere, ice packs were on my hands and feet, making it impossible to read, write, or eat. The headphones and the IPad made it so that I could disappear into my own little world and it didn’t require me to use my hands (not after the initial setup anyway). I watched videos and movies and let the world and my fears disappear. I am sorry for anyone who has to go through chemotherapy, but but I hope that having headphones and an IPad will help you too.
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Now, my story….
My chemotherapy treatments consisted of four days of infusions each three weeks apart. I was given two different medications-Taxotere and Cytoxan. Supposedly this was an ‘easy’ regimen. Some women have more treatments and a third medication-Adriamycin, but that wasn’t recommended for me. On my first day of chemotherapy, I had pumped myself up with thoughts of ‘You got this!’ and ‘You’re a survivor!’ My husband drove me to the infusion center, but couldn’t come inside with me because it was still during Covid and visitors weren’t allowed. When I got situated, the nurse told me that the infusions last a few hours, but the first day is a little longer because he needed to go over all of the side effects and warnings of the chemo medications. I listened to the nurse as he talked to me about things that can happen during treatment, but I wasn’t worried– I was ready!
When I had my IV line in place and the Taxotere hooked up, the nurse told me he was going to start the infusion machine. I asked him why he stayed there to watch me and he just said that it was a precautionary measure. Hmmm…
We chatted for a minute or so and then suddenly I paused and said,
“I feel funny!”
Within seconds I felt like I had a giant boulder drop in my stomach, my heart started racing, and I felt like my whole body was being blown up like a balloon. I felt like I was going to explode. The nurse stopped the flow of medicine and slammed his hand down on a bell and other nurses came running. He also thrust more steroids and some Benadryl into my IV line. I was so scared. I thought I was going to die right then and there. When the Nurse Practitioner showed up, I asked her if I was going to be okay and she reassured me that it was an allergic reaction and told me to rest for a half an hour or so.
“Then what?” I asked.
“Then we start the infusion again.”
“‘What?!?–No, I can’t do it!”
She told me that I wouldn’t have a reaction again– but could my heart believe her?
One of the bravest things I have ever done was to say “yes” when the nurse asked if I was ready to start the infusion again. I was praying the whole time. I told the nurse to watch me carefully, but, amazingly, true to the NP’s word, I didn’t have an allergic reaction again and I was able to finish the treatment. I sat for the next hour wearing ice packs on my hands and my feet (this was to help prevent neuropathy) with the Taxotere running through my veins. I said prayers of gratitude for the Lord watching over me. Then came the Cytoxan infusion which seemed a walk in the park compared to the Taxotere. One thing that calmed my anxious nerves through it all was putting on my noise cancellation headphones and watching videos on my IPad. My husband, in his thoughtfulness, had made videos on the IPad of all of my children telling me that they loved me and that they were cheering for me. It was the perfect gift. I could tune out the rest of the room and all of the scary experiences for a moment and have the courage to keep going. Over six hours later–way longer than expected–I was finally done with my first treatment. My husband picked me up and I sat in the car with him and just cried. It had been so scary and hard.
I wish I could say that the other three treatments were smooth, but, unfortunately, I had some sort of allergic reaction for my second and third treatments too. The reactions were smaller, but it didn’t help my anxious nerves each time. By the time the fourth treatment came along, I had reached my breaking point. I was scared that something was going to go horribly wrong. I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. The day before my last treatment, I prayed and pleaded to the Lord to know if I would be okay. Suddenly I felt an immense calm settle over me. I knew I would be okay and that I could trust the process. While the last treatment was not easy and there were many hard things about it, I was okay and I survived.